When I found out that the CDC, yes, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, made an official post concerning what to do in the event of the zombie apocalypse, I was thrilled. I’m not necessarily saying that the zombie apocalypse is going to happen, but I just thought it was cool that the CDC gave their two cents on what people should do to prepare for this kind of disaster. When I read the article itself, I was kind of annoyed. If anything, the CDC post talked about the prevalence of zombies in the media and the history of zombie legends then gave you steps on how to prepare for a natural disaster (i.e. thunders storm, earthquake) and just used zombies as an excuse to bring up General Disaster Preparedness 101.
I am by no means saying that one shouldn’t be prepared for a natural disaster and shouldn’t listen to their advice. What I am saying is that in the specific event of the zombie apocalypse, their advice was crap. Nowhere did it mention the advantages and the disadvantages of guns vs. machetes, nor did it mention proper places to find shelter. And make sure to have all legal documents with you? Bitch, please! Zombies don’t give a shit if you’re a vagrant. Perhaps I am taking this a wee bit too seriously, but I feel it is my duty to give everyone a proper zombie preparedness post.
So here it is, children, I bring you…
The Defective Geeks Zombie Preparedness CRASH COURSE
THINGS YOU NEED:
1). 1 Backpack Per Person. Have a backpack ready with essentials already inside it. When the undead show up while you’re all having a nice meal, you may not have the time to pack your things and run out of there. This way, all you need to do is grab your backpack and it will already have the necessities.
-Water purifier. You and your loved ones may constantly be on the run and unable to transport gallons of clean water with you. Sure, you may have a stash now, but when the hoard of the undead show up you may not necessarily have the time or the capacity to haul that stuff around with you.
–Water bottle(s). Have at least 2 for when you do come across good water, or to stash the purified water.
-Good denim pants/long denim shirt. Good denim is pretty durable and you need durable fabric during these desperate times. You don’t want any unnecessary exposed skin and you want a fabric that is comfortable, but also durable and protective against potential cuts, or worse, bites. We don’t want the zombie virus getting into your system!
-Jerky, dried fruit, and twinkies. You want food that will last you a long time and won’t expire for a while. There’s also a chance that a preservative in twinkies could be deadly to zombies.
-Hand sanitizer and Zicam. Things may get messy, and the last thing you want during the zombie apocalypse is to catch a cold.
-Facemask. You don’t want any gross zombie blood getting in your mouth, do you?
-Spare running shoes. Let’s face it. You’re going to be doing a lot of running.
-Flashlight/lighter. Infrastructure will, most likely, be down, so that means no electricity.
-Condoms. Yes, I said it. Condoms. Even though the world’s coming to an end, you don’t want to catch anything down there. That just adds insult to injury. And even though the future of humanity hangs on a thread, being pregnant would SUCK.
-Maps. Internet and your precious WiFi will most likely be down. Time to break out that good old fashioned map and use it!
-Scissors. Sorry, ladies. Our lovely long hair is probably just going to get in the way. You don’t want anything that a zombie could grab.
-Spare glasses. This is only applicable if you wear glasses/contacts. You don’t want to loose your glasses and then be blind during the zombie apocalypse because, let’s face it, if that happens you are simply going to be a victim of darwinism and probably die.
2). Machetes. The great thing about machetes, or knives in general, is that they never run out of bullets.Â They’realso very quiet and you don’t want to be drawing any unnecessary attention to yourself during the zombie apocalypse. The only problem is that you have to get close to your target in order to annihilate them. Guns, on the other hand, can eliminate a target from a distance, but draw unnecessary attention. They also run out of bullets, and if there’s a crazy person in your group of survivors (and you know there’s always that ONE who all of a sudden goes bonkers) you don’t want them potentially getting their hands on a gun. At the end of the day I’d go with the machete.
3). The fortitude to kill a loved one. Most likely either a friend of relative is going to get bit and you’re going to have to take them out. Hey, rather that then have them turn into a zombie, right? Not all of us can have an awesome functional friendship a la Shaun of the Dead.
4). Try to camp out in high ground. You want to make it as difficult for zombies to get to you as possible, so if it’s an option try to camp out in tall story buildings because the higher you are, the less likely the walking dead will notice you and the harder it will be for them to get to you.
5). Befriend a hipster. You can use them as bait later.
The CDC’s Zombie Preparedness Post states that there should be an emergency spot that your family goes during times of duress, like the mailbox.
Really? “Hey kids, there are a hoard of flesh eating creatures coming after us. Let’s meet at the mailbox outside! Emergency time! Then we can get the mail on the way out!” Â Why don’t you just walk around with a raw steak necklace? Maybe that would be more effective.
My favorite part of the whole post is the last section titled “Never Fear – CDC is Ready.”
This is straight from that section: “If zombies did start roaming the streets, CDC would conduct an investigation much like any other disease outbreak. CDC would provide technical assistance to cities, states, or international partners dealing with a zombie infestation. This assistance might include consultation, lab testing and analysis, patient management and care, tracking of contacts, and infection control (includingÂ isolation and quarantine).”
Have you guys even watched a zombie movie or read any zombie books/comics? Zombies roaming the streets is not like a bad case of the flu going around. I love how it’s acting as if it were, starting off with Â “la dee da, we’ll show up, give you your shots and do a little good ol’ fashioned investigating, la dee da,” and all of a sudden it brings up the scary I and Q words: Isolation and Quarantine. So it goes from “la dee da get your shots” to “WE WILL QUARANTINE YOU.” Â If anything, this is the most realistic and relevant part of the post.
Well, I think I’ve gone on ranting and raving for long enough. I do realize the post made by the CDC wasn’t really meant to be serious and that I am taking this too seriously, but you never know. When the zombie apocalypse happens, this is a place that at least takes the possibility seriously and if you are a paranoid mofo and want to be prepared, these are some good steps to get yourself started.
Just don’t use your retirement fund or your kids college fund like those people preparing for the rapture. Do you know how high the interest rate is on student loans these days? Eek! It’s almost as terrifying as the idea of waking up and zombies walking the streets.